It’s really been a crazy 3+ months. The COVID-19 quarantine started with just a general sense of uncertainty, and maybe even a little excitement. Getting to work from home made me really happy! And locking down an entire city, region, country, world is like nothing we’ve seen before, so I was glued to the news. My heart still goes out to the businesses that have not been able to survive for months without income, for the people who’ve lost their jobs, and for those like myself who live alone and are literally apart from their friends and loved ones during this whole thing.
One thing I feel like I’ve learned is how to be with myself. I used to think I was very self-aware and self-sufficient–and I was–but I am much more aware of my priorities, what makes me happy, and that (despite loneliness) I can live very well on my own. This has taught me to do a few things that other people have done for me. Things like cutting my own hair, doing my own nails, using fake eyelashes instead of extensions, searching for a new (used) car, putting together new parts of my home, and learning some new interests and skills through YouTube, Skillshare, and other places. I’ve also learned that comfort is important to me; luxury is not.
I’ve put off writing much since this began. Partly due to anxiety which I suffer from on occasion and partly because I struggled finding words when trying to make this post. But screw that. I think it’s okay to write during periods of depression or anxiety; it’s raw, it’s natural, and it’s part of who I am. I have tended to avoid displaying any sense of anxiety like the plague (pun unintentional but apropos) but really, I’m a very balanced person. Someone who loves life, but also suffers when I’m in my own head for too long at a given time. I don’t think I’m particularly abnormal, and even if I was, I think I’m learning to wear that proudly.
Thankfully, I’m an introvert and absolutely love being home. Especially living downtown Seattle where there’s a lot of chaos and noise around. I’ve really turned my home into a safe, quiet, and cozy space for myself ever since my roommate Matt left at the end of 2017. (That’s another whole saga that I will save for a later date.) But, in a nutshell, my roommate had taken over the whole of the apartment sitting at the kitchen table for 18+ hr/day gaming. Not even my room was my safe space because he had to go through it to get to the shower. I found myself shrinking into a very tiny space (basically my bed in my bedroom), and I eventually started just going out nearly every night of the week. When he left, I was able to slowly begin to spread out again, spending much needed time alone in at home again, and my apartment, for a while, felt so spacious! I’ve since acquired a lot of new furniture and decor, and made the place my own. I now long for more space, but will make do with what I have for now.
The cats have been my invaluable companions during this time. Other things that have helped are:
- painting (acrylic on canvas)
- making fun things using resin
- ASMR videos (and doing some of it myself)
- my new job at Oracle
- virtual happy hours with friends
- being able to sleep in more and not have any time of “commute” to get to work
- a weekend visit to my parents and grandpa
- being able to literally order everything online for delivery
- the occasional chat with my neighbor Samantha (who just moved) or the apartment manager, Joy.
- occasional meditation (but it’s hard some days)
- the fact that it’s summer now and the sun is shining
- fresh air; occasional walks
I will write again when I feel like it. I feel better when I write, so it seems like a no-brainer, that I would write regularly as a form of therapy. However, sometimes the sentences and paragraphs are elusive when I am staring at a blank page.
That Infernal Itch 